HBP movie summary: Crackfic
by Emily Waters
Summary: HBP movie script. Crackfic. Containes movie spoilers.


Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince Movie Summary: Crackfic

Muggle London. Death Eaters spread apocalyptic devastation.

Harry is checking out a muggle girl at a diner.

Dumbledore shows up.

Dumbledore: "Harry, I regret to disrupt this, but we kind of need to go and do something..."

Harry: "What?"

Dumbledore: "Well, for starters, I need to drop you off at Ginny's, because you're supposed to be falling in love with her."

Harry (rolls eyes): "Is it absolutely necessary?"

Dumbledore: "The war requires great sacrifices and terrible suffering. So yes. Why - you had someone else in mind?"

Harry: "Well, I have been obsessively hating Snape for a while now..."

Dumbledore: "Hmmm. That's not a good thing, you understand... I think you and Severus should just behave like civilized adults, give each other plenty of space, and not antagonize each other. In fact, don't talk to each other at all, if you can help it."

Harry: "Oh. Ok, I can do that."

Dumbledore: "Excellent. Now we are going to pick up Horace Slughorn who's busy pretending to be a chair."

Harry: "Huh?"

Dumbledore "Come with me, my dear boy. Take my hand."

Harry: Stares blankly at the black, cursed hand of Dumbledore's.

Dumbledore: "Oh. Don't worry about it, Harry. It's just a plot device that will not be explained at all. Looks cool though, don't you think?"

Harry (dubiously): "Uhuh."

They arrive to Slughorn's hideout.

Dumbledore: "Horace! Look, this is Harry Potter. And now we're leaving."

They turn around and leave.

Slughorn: (runs after them): "Ok, ok, ok, I agree! For Harry! He has his mothers eyes!"

Harry (rolls his eyes): apparently everyone is drooling over me because of her eyes. Lupin, Sirius, now Slughorn. The only person, in fact, who DOESN'T care about my mother's eyes is Snape. Hmmm... maybe he's gay?"

Speaking of Snape....

Spinner's End. Elegant, rich, aristocratic living room with books and artifacts. Snape, all dressed up, welcomes Bella and Narcissa.

Narcissa: "Oh, Severus, I'm so worried about Draco..."

Snape: "Ah, nothing to worry about...."

Narcissa: "But he's just a boy!"

Snape: "He is? I haven't noticed. BELLA, STOP!!! Stop touching my beautiful aristocratic trinkets on my bookshelves. Manners, Bella, Manners."

Bella: (starts rubbing herself all over Snape): "Take an Unbreakable Vow..."

Snape: "Huh??? "

Bella: (wrapping her legs around Snape, beginning to hump him): "Take an Unbreakable Vow, Snape!!!"

Snape: "Ok, ok ok, just stop humping me... fuck! What is with you, Bella?"

Bella: (embarrassed): "You know, back in Azkaban I didn't have many opportunities..."

Snape: "And, how's that my problem???"

Bella (dreamily) "You remind me of a Dementor... oh god, I love those things."

Snape: "Right, ok, just kill me now... oh wait, Unbreakable Vow first. Ok."

~ * ~

Dumbledore drops off Harry in a swamp..

Harry : standing knee-deep in water: "Right. I feel in love with Ginny already."

Sloshes through the water to the Burrow.

EVERYONE: "Hi Harry! How did you get here?"

Harry: "Dumbledore."

EVERYONE (smiling understandingly): "Oh, that Dumbledore!!! He's soooo cute. Let's hope he lives forever and ever." Foreshadowing banner pops up.

~ * ~

Train ride.

Harry: "I think Draco is a Death Eater. Hermione! Back me up here."

Hermione: "Oh come on, Harry, he's just a boy."

Harry: dreamily: "And damn sexy one... check out the abs!"

Hermione: "Harry, this isn't going to work. Ginny, remember?"

Harry: "Ok. Fine, now I have to leave on a completely unrelated matter."

Hermione, Ron: "Kay."

Harry caught by Draco for spying.

Draco stomps on Harry's face: "This is for my father!"

Harry: "WTF? Nose bleeding... Snape is going to kill me. I just know it. He always gets like this when I get myself into trouble."

Luna Shows up mysteriously. "Oh. Hi,Harry. Let's go to school."

Harry: "I'm traumatized here."

Luna: "Yes. Let me fix your nose."

Harry: "Have you ever done that before?"

Luna: "Yes, of course. I fixed Snape's nose. Remember how it was hooked and big in books, and now it's all straight and normal-sized and pretty? I can do the same for you. Magic, you know."

Harry: "Ok then. By the way, I'm so glad you're escorting me to school and not Snape..."

Luna: "Snape couldn't come. He's at dinner. You don't think Snape would ever miss dinner, do you?"

Harry: "No, judging by the size of his gut, he wouldn't. Oh well, guess what, I DON'T CARE!!!"

Luna: "Yes, well, just try to give him plenty of space and don't get angry at him. You know, act like an adult. He's doing his part. Observe the impassive, stoic face of his, and learn."

Harry: "But I'm an angsty teenager, who needs someone to HATE!"

Luna: "Well, there's Voldemort..."

Harry (sighs dreamily) "Ah, yes, Tom... but he's not around!"

School.

RoR. Draco is playing with the magic cupboard.

"Apple goes in. Apple goes out. Apple goes in. Apple goes out. Birdie goes in. Birdie goes out. Um. I forget, what's my mission again? Oh who cares, this is fun."

Slughorn's Club.

Harry: "Sir. I'd be honoured if you added me to your collection. Now tell me about horcruxes."

Slughorn: "This isn't very subtle, Harry. Come now, you can do better than that."

The Burrow.

Lupin yelling at Harry: "Look --- you're just blinded by your hatred of Snape!"

Harry: "I honestly don't know what you're talking about. For the whole movie we won't say two words to each other. I promise. And really, I don't care. He doesn't either."

Lupin: "No, you hate him! I know it! STOP HATING! Love, Harry, not hate!"

Harry: "Ok ok ok. Peace out, Remus. Love Snape. Got it."

Knocking on the burrow door.

"Knock knock"

Harry: "Who's there?"

Voice: "Orange."

Harry: "Orange who?"

Voice: "Orange you gonna come out and play? Its me, Bella!"

Harry: "I'LL KILL YOU!!!"

RUNS AFTER HER.

Lupin RUNS AFTER HARRY.

Everyone: "NOOOOO!!! Don't you dare die, you sexy, angry werewolf!"

Ginny RUNS AFTER HARY.

Everyone: "DIE BITCH, DIE! HARRY AND SNAPE TOGETHER FOREVER!!!"

Hermione: "Harry, honestly, you're so easy to provoke. Like really. What's up with that?"

Harry: "Look, she kind of killed Sirius...."

Hermione: "Oh thank goodness you aren't blaming Snape."

Harry: "No, I've matured. I'm an adult now... BELLA, GET BACK HERE YOU FUCKING CUNT, I'LL RIP YOUR HEAD OFF!!!!!"

Everyone: "Look, the Burrow is on fire!"

Ron: "Yeah, and I'm in love! I think."

~* ~

Winter.

Katie Bell doing an Exorcist-dance in mid-air.

Harry: "Wow, neat-o!"

Ron: "Hey, Harry I'm in love with a random person I've never met."

Harry: "Crap. Let's take you to Slughorn."

Slughorn: "This is a very strong love potion that makes you even more stupid than before. Here, have some alcohol to increase your IQ and social skills."

Ron: Drinks alcohol, collapses to the floor twitching.

Slughorn: "Even though I'm a potions master who knows that Bezoar can save you from most poisons, I'm going to stand like an idiot and stare regretfully, while Harry remembers his first year lecture."

Harry: "Come on, Ron, open wide! Here, let me put my root in your mouth... deeper... uhuh... just relax and breathe around it... yes, there we go, just like that... take it all the way... let it go all the way down your throat... don't forget to swallow... Ok, he'll live."

Teacher's Conference.

Slughorn: "Harry, fortunately remembered his first year Potions lecture and saved Ron Weasley. Harry is so clever! So brilliant! Hurray to Harry!"

Snape (mutters under his breath): "And his old potions teacher can just go fuck off and die, right?"

McGonagall: "Harry is a hero! His actions were really heroic!!!"

Harry: "WTF? I fought off 50 Dementors single-handedly, and stood against Voldemort himself, and all that jazz, and you're calling THIS heroic? Now if I were sticking my hand in Snape's mouth, that might have been deemed heroic..."

~ * ~

Draco in the Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?"

Harry: "Malfoy, are you wanking in front of the mirror?"

Draco: "I'll KILL YOU! Or at least, attempt to cause you some minor physical discomfort."

Harry: (looks into HBP book for help): "Eat Sectumsempra, bitch!"

Draco: "shit."

Harry stares at Draco watching red spots appear on Draco's conveniently white shirt.

Snape shows up, looks at Draco unemotionally. Turns and looks at Harry.

Civilized nod of the head. "Potter."

Polite smile. "Snape."

Snape's eyebrow lifted in silent question.

Harry: (bracing himself): "I know you hate me. You're going to take points from Gryffindor, and lock me up in detention, and berate me and emotionally abuse me, and pull down my trousers and spank my bare bottom with a paddle, and make me wear nipple clumps, and I bet you have a slytherin-colored buttplug handy, too..."

Snape (winces): "As you were, Potter. Run along. I'm not even going to ask you about the HBP book that I KNOW the curse came from, and that you're still holding in your hand. Simply put: I DO NOT CARE."

Draco: "But I'm dying here...terrible sword wounds..."

Snape: "Oh, please, it looks more like a couple of paper cuts. Here, let me flick my wand.. REPARO! BLOOD-FROM-WHITE-SHIRT-REMOVO! See? Good as new."

~ * ~

Harry: "OK, I need to find out about Horcruxes. Hmmm. Let's see if alcohol can help..."

Slughorn (drunk): "Ok, so ... I had a picture of your mum naked on my desk!!! naked, I tell you!!! and the day she died, the picture just got dressed...."

Harry: "Look... Uh... this is... kind of creepy... I think you should just tell me about Horcruxes."

Slughorn: "Right, ok."

~ * ~

Dumbledore: playing with the ring.

Harry: "Allusion to LOTR, Professor?"

Dumbledore: "Absolutely not. There will be nothing LOTR-ish in this movie. At all. I promise. Now let's go search for Horcruxes."

Harry: "Ok."

Cave.

Dumbledore drinks poison. A bunch of naked Gollums-inferi climb out of the lake and start humping Harry and Dumbledore.

Harry: "SHIT! This is just like LOTR, only worse!"

Dumbledore: "Fire!!! Phasers and Photon torpedoes! And Quantum Torpedoes!!!"

Fire erupts into a glorious blaze of red colour.

Gollums-inferi: "IT BURNS US PRECIOUS"

Harry: "We got the locket, let's get out."

Back in school, on the tower.

Dumbledore: "I need Severus."

Harry: "Dude! You need to call 911!!!"

Dumbledore: "Severus! Bring me Severus!"

Harry: "Fuckitall." Goes downstairs.

Draco runs in, points wand at Dumbledore: "I am going to kill you. Expelliarmus!"

Dumbledore: "Young man, you aren't a murderer. Your eyes say that you're a gentle kind boy, longing for love and acceptance."

Draco "My cool skinhead tattoo says otherwise! See!!!" Shows off his Dark Mark.

Other Death Eaters enter. "Yeah! He's got a cool tattoo! In your face, Dumbledore!"

Harry: "Where the fuck is Snape!!!"

Snape comes up to Harry, pats his head. "Shhhhh...."

Harry: "Oh, thank god you're on our side. You're now going to save Dumbledore, I KNOW IT! I never doubted that for a moment!!! If you save him, I'll let you kiss me, and take me to bed, and..."

Snape: "Uh, yeah....I just can't wait... Shh, quiet now."

Snape comes up to Dumbledore.

Dumbledore: "Severus..... you know what to do. So, on the sound of beep...."

Snape (looking bored): "Right. AVADA KEDAVRA." (yawn)

Dumbledore: singing: " ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ I'm falling safely, safely to the ground..... ~ ~ ~" dies.

The Death Eaters: "Should we spread chaos and devastation?"

Bella: "Way ahead of you!!! I broke all the mugs and wine glasses back in the Great Hall..."

Greyback: "You MONSTER!!!"

Snape: "Time, everyone. Tic-tac. Let's go."

They walk.

Harry runs after them. "STOP!!! SNAPE!!! I TRUSTED YOU!!!"

Snape: "I know. I still find it shocking."

Harry: "Why are you so chill? You just killed a man! I'd have expected you to be angry. Or at the very least, angsty."

Snape (patiently): "I'm angsty ON THE INSIDE. However, I really must be going."

Harry: "FIGHT BACK!!! I zap you with a curse!"

Snape (blocks, turns around:) "Potter, please, stop embarrassing yourself."

Harry: "FIGHT BACK YOU COWARD!!!"

Snape (bored): lifts Harry off the ground, tosses him 50 feet away on his back.

Harry: "OW! MY SPINE!!!"

Snape: "It's a rather inopportune time to grow one."

Harry: "Sectums.. fuck, how does that thing go?"

Snape: tosses Harry about some more, drops him on his head.

Harry: "OW!!!"

Snape: stands over him. "By the way. I probably should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm the half-blood prince. So... peace out."

Lifts his wand to his mouth, breathes on it as if to blow off the traces of gunpowder, puts it back in the holster, and walks away without looking back.

Bella runs around wiggling her butt, her tongue sticking out, setting stuff on fire, giggling maniacally.

Snape looks thoughtfully. "IQ measured in single digits... some weird sexual stuff going on there, definitely... pyromaniac to boot... With allies like her, Tom doesn't stand a chance.... BELLA, LEAVE POTTER ALONE!!! He belongs to the Dark Lord – kay? Kay? Stop touching things that don't belong to you. Once again, MIND YOUR MANNERS. --- I might as well retire to Hawaii and live my own life. I honestly don't see how my presence here is necessary."

~ * ~

School.

Hermione: "So Draco killed Dumbledore?"

Harry: "No. It was Snape. Everything was Snape's fault. He killed Dumbledore. And then he dropped me on my head."

Hermione: "Oh, Harry. Well, at least you still have Ginny..."

Harry (glares): "What's that supposed to mean!!!"

Hermione (blushes): "Nothing..."

Harry: "Nonono, I want to know why you meant by it, do you think I'm in love with Snape?"

Hermione: "No, no, no, of course not... well maybe just a little."

Harry: "I'm not listening to this. And I'm not coming back to school. I'm going to look for whore crooks."

Hermione: "Huh?"

Harry: "You coming along? "

Ron: "Of course, Harry. We'll help you look for whore crutches."

Harry: "This ends just like LOTR movie 2!!! You know, the whole thing with Sam, and Frodo, and..."

A large phoenix flies across the sky.

Harry: "And this reminds me of that part in X-men... you know, resurrection imagery and shit."

Hermione: "Right, well, let's wind this up before we can violate more copyrights."

Harry: "Ok."

The trio hold hands and smile blissfully as the scene changes and end credits roll.

THE END.


End file.
